What Do We Really Mean by Communication Skills?

When people talk about “communication skills,” they often picture someone who knows just the right thing to say — someone who can present their opinions clearly, confidently, maybe even persuasively. It’s easy to assume that communication is mostly about using the right words.

But in my work — and in life — I’ve come to believe something different.

Communication isn’t just about how we phrase things. Real communication, the kind that builds trust and deepens relationships, starts inside of us. It begins with self-awareness: noticing what we’re feeling, identifying what we truly need, and then expressing that with clarity and care. That internal process is the foundation for genuine connection.

For example, imagine a partner says, “You never listen to me.” It's tempting to respond defensively — maybe by pointing out times you did listen. But if we slow down and tune into what’s underneath, we might hear something softer behind the protest: “I’m feeling lonely” or “I’m scared that what matters to me isn’t important to you.” When we meet that deeper need — instead of debating the words — we start to repair.

It’s not about Winning.

Communication is less about persuasion and more about presence. It's about coming into a conversation not to win, but to connect. That means showing up with openness, curiosity, and care. When we listen with the intent to understand — not to fix, prove, or defend — something changes. People soften. Walls come down.

Let’s say a friend cancels plans for the third time. Instead of jumping to conclusions (“They don’t care about me”), communication might sound like: “I noticed you’ve had to cancel a few times. I’m wondering if everything is okay. I also want to be honest that I’m feeling a little disappointed — I really value our time together.” This approach holds both your experience and theirs, leaving space for connection rather than blame.

It’s not One-size-fits-all: Cultural Considerations

It’s also important to recognize that communication is deeply shaped by culture. In some cultures, direct expression of needs is encouraged; in others, indirectness, silence, or reading between the lines is a sign of respect and emotional intelligence. For some people of color, or those from immigrant families, being "good at communication" might have historically meant suppressing feelings to keep peace, survive, or avoid conflict.

So when we talk about communication skills, we must hold space for these cultural nuances. Being a skilled communicator doesn't always look like eye contact and assertive “I” statements. Sometimes, it looks like honoring emotional restraint, or learning how to listen for what’s not said — while still making room to express one's own truth.

True communication skill is not one-size-fits-all. It’s about connecting authentically — in ways that respect both your inner experience and the relational context you're in.

Good communication, then, is less about mastering language and more about embodying intention. It’s about being real, staying open, and remembering that at the heart of every difficult conversation is often a longing — to be seen, understood, and valued.

Practice, Practice, and Practice.

Communication is especially important in close relationships, where misunderstandings often pile up because we’re protecting ourselves instead of revealing what’s vulnerable. And let’s be honest: it’s not easy. It takes practice, humility, and often, support.

But the good news is, communication skills aren’t a fixed trait you either have or don’t. They’re something we can all grow into — not by memorizing scripts, but by learning to listen to ourselves and others with more compassion.

So next time you hear someone mention “communication skills,” consider this: It’s not just about what we say. It’s about how we show up — to ourselves and to each other.